Over the past month I haven’t posted anything on this blog, and if you’re reading this, it’s quite a miracle, considering it will be the only of many drafts written over the last 30 days to actually get published. Although I opened the blog not wanting it to be too introspective, I’ve decided that since it’s important that something be published, I should start writing via stream of consciousness, even if it results in a compromise of succinctness, order and/or interest.
I have a number of excuses for being slow to write, all of which may be found unnecessary to explain, but from my perspective which foresaw multiple entries per week, the excuses are both necessary and motivating. First, it’s always been difficult for me to complete any task, especially that which might expose my creative abilities and limitations. I’m a dreamer and an idealist, and to envision the product of my creativity as wonderful potentially renders the realization of my true capability frighteningly ordinary. Therefore, I rarely complete any creative pursuit that I begin, which is horribly frustrating for me. Second, as I’ve endeavored to embrace the mysteries of human existence and have chosen to situate myself in the midst of question rather than upon answer, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s impossible for me to address the havoc wreaked by common demons of human society without addressing how those demons wreak havoc in me. Not that I’ve believed myself to be above their influence, but I was not prepared for the shaking that would take place in my own being as I began to live in questions that are “unlawful” to ask. And that leads me to the third reason that I haven’t yet published this(?) post: I’m a people pleaser. As I’ve brainstormed ideas over the past weeks, there have been numerous sentences that I’ve closed with a grimace as I’ve considered the possible reactions of those who might be reading. I’m so programmed towards disclaimers and excuses (as is now made clear), but I’m convinced that if there does exist a safe public place to share my thoughts, it’s here, hidden in some shaded corner of the internet.
I hope this isn’t the last thing I write, especially since I haven’t yet written anything, but the stream of consciousness has run its course and this is all it had to offerJ
